BanjoKazooie Tales of the Dead
by Shikaku Zetsumei
Summary: [DEAD] I don't remember what this story was about. I think it was some silly idea I thought up back when I was just starting to write. If I had to guess, I think it was about Kazooie dying in the Gruntilda fight.
1. Tragedy Strikes

Disclaimer: Blah blah… I've beaten both games thoroughly. I have added some characters… but not in this chapter! Fua ha haa… anyways… onto the story.

**BANJO-KAZOOIE – TALES OF THE DEAD**

(An epic tale of our great adventurers)

CHAPTER 1 – Tragedy Strikes

It had started out as a normal adventure. The usual collect jiggies, jinjos, and what not. Our two heroes had made their way all the way to the end. They swore to destroy Grunty once and for all.

Banjo: Kaz! Hurry!

Kazooie: Gotcha!

She fired a grenade egg at the butt-ugly witch. This time she had managed to get a new body. Fresh from the cemetery. Not too much rotting. Various insects occasionally crawled out of her ears and eyes.

Banjo: Yes! Direct hit!

Grunty: Dammit… that hurt

Banjo: OH SHIT!

Grunty had seized her chance and had conjured up a blinking, homing ball of black void. She flung it. There was no escape. Since they were split up in _duel fight mode_, Kazooie could not use gold feathers to save them. An explosion that could be heard by the Jinjo King miles away sounded throughout the inky blackness of the night. He awoke. He knew something was wrong. Something…disastrous. Jinjos always knew…

Banjo squeezed his eyes shut… … nothing… no pain…

He open his eyes to see Kazooie standing in front of him, wings outstretched, shielding him from the blast. She collapsed with a triumphant grin. She was still alive… barely…

Before Banjo could move, the witch had swooped down and grabbed his best friend by the neck. She looked at Kazooie with the utmost distaste.

"NOO!" Shouted Banjo as a resounding crack shattered the air.

Gruntilda flung the limp form from her. Kazooie struck a wall and lay there motionless.

"KAZOOIE!" Screamed Banjo as he rushed to her side, tears streaming down his face to mingle with the blood. "KAZOOIE!"

She opened her eyes slowly. He crouched by her holding her close.

"Banjo…" She whispered as her emerald eyes clouded with the mists of death. "I'm… so sorry…"

With one last, soft "Bree"… she closed her eyes. Banjo kneeled trembling as the witch approached, laughing hysterically.

"Aww… how touching… geez I feel sick…"

"SHUT UP!" Banjo stood back facing the hag. "You…" he growled. "I…WILL…kill you…"

"Wha?" said the hag walking closer.

"**YOU KILLED KAZOOIE!"** Roared Banjo turning around, eyes crimson with bloodlust.

"Whatever… who c…"

Grunty had no time to finish. Banjo launched himself towards Gruntilda Winkybunion.

"**DIE!"** Banjo screamed as he lashed out with strength and speed unlike his normal.

The slash tore off Grunty's right arm completely.

"AIIIII!" Screamed the witch as blood erupted from the stump of her arm. **"WHAT THE HELL!"**

But Banjo was not listening and showed no mercy. He attacked again. One single punch straight through the stomach. A shower of guts and gore sprayed out from Grunty…

"**GRAAAHHHH!"** She fell to her knees trying to keep her entrails in…

However, Banjo was not through yet. He put all the pain sadness and anger into one last swipe. He swung, renting the witch in two. The remains thumped onto the floor, blood trailing, and quickly forming a pool.

Panting, he staggered by to Kazooie's lifeless form. He carried her down from the top of the tower. He slowly trudged into the distance. He had to find Mumbo. The shaman would know what to do…

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Wow… Real intense huh? Don't worry I won't use so much drama in the next chapter. But until then… READ AND REVIEW! (you're probably now thinking, "geez this kid plays too much RPGs…(especially Final Fanstasy…)" but hey! That's your problem…)

Thank you for reading my first fic.

Note: I don't hate Kazooie in any way whatsoever… the story just turned out this way… sorry :(

Next chapter will be put up if I get sufficient and decent reviews… … fua ha haa… okay I'll stop being weird now…

P.S. You're probably wondering why there are so many …………s well, I LIKE THEM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


	2. No Hope

Disclaimer: The usual…I don't own squat… if you really want to know where I got the game, I borrowed it from my friend… ha ha haaaa …… ONWARD!

**BANJO-KAZOOIE – TALES OF THE DEAD**

(An epic tale of our two great adventurers)

CHAPTER 2 – No Hope

After hours of trekking, Banjo and his friend finally found Mumbo Jumbo's Skull. He had had it modified again and it was now more extensive with tunnels to different worlds. Banjo entered through a chute that said stay out. He took the elevator up to the top floor. In the elevator, he tried hard not to look at Kazooie's still form. He gently stroked here red and gold feathers.

"I'll bring you back…"

Somewhere

Kazooie felt nothing but pain. She knew she had done the right thing and now she'd suffer the consequences. Suddenly, it was all gone. She opened her eyes.

"Where am I?" She murmured.

"Hey! Wassup!" Greeted some dumb-looking guy with a goatee and horns. "Welcome to the Underworld…"

"Shut the fuck up and tell me what am I doing here…"

"Hey hey hey! This is a family story!"

"I don't give a shit now shut the hell up! WHERE AM I!"

"Isn't it obvious?" Chortled the man.

"Do you want to die?"

Kazooie's iron-hard talon started to tap a hole into the basalt floor. Chipping away at it instantly

"Ok…0.o (eye twitches)…um…anyways, you're dead and you're now here"

"What the hell?"

"Now stop saying that! … you aren't really there…"

"Whatever… fuck this… I'm leaving…"

Kazooie walked towards a door, she opened it and nearly fell into a pit full of lava.

"WHAT! I AM in hell! I"LL KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE LYING BASTARD!"

"Now, now, o.o;; that's reserved for the worse people we get in this dump…"

A bolt of lightning struck him.

"HEY! You don't get to insult this place lowly servant!" shouted a loud, echoing voice.

"AHHH! I'm sorry master!"

"Whatever… anyways… where do I go now?"

"The housing complex. That way and take the first right."

An arrow appeared out of nowhere and pointed in the opposite direction. Kazooie headed that way and left the crispy devil to stagger away.

Mumbo's Skull

"And so, I need a way to get Kazooie's spirit back from the land of the dead." Explained Banjo.

He was using words too complex for the old Banjo to even comprehend. Apparently, he had been hiding his intellect.

"Mumbo sorry." Said Mumbo. "The person must still have a little life left in them or Mumbo cannot do a thing."

"How did you save that frozen moron and that alien then!" Exploded Banjo.

"Saberman frozen. Both in time and space. Alien just fell. Though himself dead but was still a little alive. Kazooie has been dead for too long. Mumbo can do nothing."

"DAMMIT!" Banjo screamed as he punched the wall… leaving a dent.

"But…Mumbo know person who can help."

"WHO!"

"He live in Monk Island. Five day trip from Hailfire Peaks. The icy side. Head East and you find small island. He master shaman. He help." Said Mumbo with confidence.

"Thanks!"

"But beware his pet…" but Banjo had already gone.

Outside-

"Ok. Time to go…"

Banjo started to hike towards Hailfire peaks. Suddenly a loud explosion sounded overhead…

"AHHHHHHHHH!"

Something landed at Banjo's feet. It was red… a little gold…and had wings.

"Kazooie!"

Underworld

"Ahh! This is nice!"

Kazooie reclined on a sofa. The room was nicely furnished and had a nice soft bed in the middle of it and a TV facing it. However… there was a weird statue next to the bed that said, "HAHAHA! YOU'RE IN THE UNDERWORLD! YOU'RE DEAD! MWA HA HA HAAA!" every five seconds or so.

five seconds later-

"HAHAHA! YOU'RE IN THE UNDERWORLD! YOU'RE DEAD! MWA HA HA HAAA!"

"GRAHHHH! DIE YOU SHITTY PIECE OF JUNK!"

The devil that had met Kazooie in the reception place was strolling around observing the housing complex when a giant devil statue landed on him…

Isle O' Hags

"Kazooie!"

"WHA! Who the hell are you! And how do you know my baby sister!"

"Huh?"

"I asked who you are!"

"Wha? Oh! I'm Banjo!"

"Oh yeah… Kazooie told me she was staying with some bear…"

"Wait… you're Kazooie's sister?…"

"The one and only! I'm Jewel." Said the breegull proudly. "Well, how is she?"

Banjo averted his eyes.

"Well… umm… she was killed by Grunty…"

"WHAT!"

"I'm going to bring her back, so if you'll excuse me…"

Banjo headed off in the direction of Hailfire Peaks.

"HEY! I'M COMING TOO!"

"Um…ok sure…wait…what happened up there?"

"That stupid witch shot me down with a cannon…"

"IMPOSSIBLE! I KILLED HER!"

"I dunno… I just saw her atop that stupid tower…"

"NO! I SWEAR I KILLED HER!"

"Haven't you killed her like, twice already?"

Banjo thought angrily about the fight up on the tower…

"Let's go… we're short on time…"

Underworld

Kazooie wandered around exploring the place. It was big… The whole place was a giant cavern. When she had started, she had seen the statue she had thrown out of her tenth-story window that morning…with a devil pinned beneath it…she had laughed silently in her mind and walked off.

Suddenly, she bumped into someone. This was to be expected as there were quite a couple people in the underworld.

"HEY! WATCH IT FLEABAG!" Shouted a familiar voice.

"What the…"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

HAHAHA! I shall now leave you hanging! READ AND REVIEW! Or else the third chapter shall not be submitted…

BWA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!


	3. Master Shaman and an Old Enemy

Disclaimer: La la laa… I don't own a thing except for Jewel the breegull (maybe a couple of other characters) hint hint… Fua ha haaa! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUA HA HAAAA (cough cough)(sips water) HAAAAAAAAA……(runs around in circles pointlessly)…Okay… that's enough… Read on…

**BANJO-KAZOOIE – TALES OF THE DEAD**

(An epic tale of our two great adventurers)

Chapter 3 – Master Shaman and an Old Enemy

"WHAT THE!"

Grunty stood over her glaring down.

"What are you doing here!"

"I'm dead! Whaddya think!"

"Didn't you get away?"

"NO! Of course I didn't! Do you think I'd be here if I did!"

"Well…"

"That little friend of yours slashed me to ribbons after I killed you."

"Why aren't you in the burning pits? You are evil enough…"  
"Hmm… well… I dunno…"

"(muttering) maybe it's because if you farted, the whole place would be decimated…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing… Hey! How can you get outta here?"

"Well, there's always breaking out, but you wouldn't get more than ten feet before their laser snipers get you…

"They have laser snipers!" Asked Kazooie incredulously.

"Yeah. I would know! I've already tried. Blasted a bit of my spine…

"No wonder. I thought you looked shorter."

"Enough with the cheeky responses."

"So, any other means of escape.

"There's always the slim chance of someone coming to save you… But that bear probably committed suicide already…"

"Maybe not…"

Isle O' Hags

Banjo sat on the raft and slowly paddled the small craft. Jewel sat atop the mast in search of land. They had already been traveling for five days and according to the shaman, they should be nearly there.

"There! We're almost there!"

Banjo paddled faster. The raft bumped against the shore. Banjo leapt out. Jewel glided down on silent wings and followed Banjo. They reached a giant mansion in the middle of the island.

"What the hell is something like this doing here!"

"Banjo… What the hell is that!"

A mid-sized dragon creature was charging at them. Jaws open in a silent snarl.

"A guard maybe…"

The dragon breathed fire and nearly burned off Banjo's head.

"SHIT! Jewel! Take the right!" Banjo shouted as he darted towards the left.

Banjo leapt up and came crashing down with tremendous force. Jewel nimbly dodged the claws and raked upwards with her talons in a mighty back flip. The poor creature squealed in terror as Banjo picked it and shook it roughly.

"Tell your master to meet us." He threw the creature. "NOW!"

The terrified dragon scurried off. Banjo and Jewel walked towards the house.

Underworld

"HA HAA! ROYAL FLUSH! I WIN AGAIN!" Kazooie does a little victory dance. "THANKS FOR THE MONEY!"

"Grr… my money… HEY! WAIT! YOU CAN"T HAVE A ROYAL FLUSH! I KAVE THE KING OF SPADES!"

"Oh crap…"

"GIMME BACK MY MONEY!"

"AAAAHHHHHHHH!" Grunty chases Kazooie around the table with a knife. Cards fly out from under Kazooie's feathers…

"YOU LITTLE CHEAT!" Dropkicks Kazooie out of the pub.

"Oww…" Kazooie gets up and dusts herself off. "Hee hee… I still have her money…"

A table flew out of the pub, landing short by a couple feet.

"HAHA! YOU MISSED! MY GRANDMA COULD DO BETTER! (Oh wait…you're older than my grandma…)"

"GRAAAHHHH!" Grunty charges!

A lightning bolt zaps her.

"HEY! No Fighting!"

"Who is this guy?" Kazooie wondered. "HEY! Where are you!"

"Oh! Um…I'm… not behind you!" The voice said hastily.

Kazooie turned around and walked towards a water barrel.

"I'm also not above you!" It said realizing his mistake.

As Kazooie looked up, there was a loud poof from inside the barrel.

"Kaff! Hack! Cough! WHAT THE FUCK!" Notices a devil that appeared out of nowhere trying to sneak away… "DIE!"

"AAAAHHHHH!"

"()#(!#(#)#((!((#(" beats up poor devil…

Devil crawls away… right when Grunty comes out of the pub

"DAMMIT! THAT HURT!" Beats up the devil worse than Kazooie did…

"WAAHHH! I'M TELLING! WAAAAAAHHHHH!" Runs off sobbing.

Grunty and Kazooie: 0.o …um… whatever…

Kazooie walks back to her apartment to see, with some satisfaction, that the devil that the statue had landed on was twitching under the ten-ton block, trying to get out.

Monk Island

"SAMMY! BIG FAT UGLY BEAR BEAT ME UP! WAAAHHHHH! hic"

"I told you to call me Samuel! And it's your own fault that you pick fights with innocent looking travelers. Now, where are they?"

"sniff on the road here…"

"Well, I'll go get ready."

"YEAH! Beat them up!"

"No Flame. They're obviously here for help."

Flame pouts and walks off.

"Hmph…"

elsewhere-

Banjo walked up to the door and pounded on it. He pounded so hard in fact, that the whole thing flew off its hinges.

"HEY! I CAN SUE FOR THAT!"

"Sorry." Mumbled Banjo.

"We've come for help." Jewel explained.

"What can I do for ya?"

"Well, we have to bring back someone from the dead."

"WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE! I can't do that."

"Is there any way to?"

"Yeah… but"

"YOU MUST TEACH US!" Shouted Banjo dragging the man up.

"HEY! LET GO OF SAMMY!" Flame breathes fire again and burns Samuel because he's in the way.

"HEY! THAT HURT!" Chases Flame around with katana that appeared out of nowhere.

"AAAAHHHHH! SOORRRRYYYY!"

Samuel comes back. "pant Anyways come in."

The two travelers followed Samuel into the house with Flame trailing warily behind.

"Sit down and I shall explain…"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Wooo! What will happen! Will they be able to accomplish their mission! HOW SHOULD I KNOW! Anyways. Thanks for reading! Remember, you can give me advice on what you want seen in the next Chapter in the reviews! THANKS FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL REVIEWS! I FEEL SO HAPPY! Jinjo voice: WHEEE!

BYE-BYE!


	4. Bonus Chapter 1

Disclaimer: **THIS REALLY ISN'T A CHAPTER SO YOU CAN SKIP IT IF YOU WANT! OR ELSE… READ ON!**   
BONUS CHAPTER 1 

Banjo and Kazooie are sitting at the TV watching a TV show called "_How Writers Create Masterpieces…_"

Announcer: We are here to watch this young man create a wonderful story! Ragnarok (me): (sitting at desk) Aw… do I have to… 

Crowd: YES! (throws tomatoes at writer)

Ragnarok: AAAHHHHHH! Runs away…

Crowd: GET BACK HERE! (Catches writer and beats him up)

Ragnarok: OW! GET OFF ME YOU CRAZY MOB! GAAAHH! (Crowd drags writer back to the laptop…)

Crowd: WRITE! **NOW!**

Ragnarok: Ahhh! Why are you so mean to me… 

Crowd: (angry glare)

Ragnarok: Okay! FINE! (stupid crowd…) (person in crowd shoots writer) AAAAHHHHH! I"VE BEEN SHOT! I CAN'T WRITE ANYMORE!

Crowd: GASP! (kills guy who shot the writer) ARE YOU OKAY! (all swarm over looking concerned)

Ragnarok: I'm okay… thinking: I've gotta get out of here… (starts typing…)

Crowd: YAY!

Screen: a giant cookie appears on the desk

A giant cookie appears on the desk.

Ragnarok: YES! I HAVE DISCOVERED MY WONDERFUL WRITER'S POWERS! (starts typing as fast as he can)

Crowd: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (tries to stop writer)

Screen: Ragnarok vanishes in a poof of smoke, ends up in his warm bed, and falls asleep.

The writer disappears.

Crowd: WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! (keeps crying until the program is replaced with another show)

Kazooie: … … … okay…

Banjo: that was strange…

………………………………………………………………………………………………

This is the first bonus story of this fanfic. Look for more when I have writer's block and can't think of a chapter. All of them will be random idiocy courtesy of me…

HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT!

Kazooie: (pecks writer) start writing!

Ragnarok: Oww…


	5. Go to the Underworld

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah… the usual… no new characters…yawn…so tired… (falls asleep) Random Person: (dumps cold water on me) WAKE UP! TYPE! (cracks whip like a slave driver) (boo hoo) 

Me: AAAHHHH! OOOOWWWWWW! CCCOOOOLLLDDD! (looks at laptop) NNNOOOOOO! MY LAPTOP! IT'S ALL WET!

Crowd: (kills person and puts his head on a pike along with the guy that shot me…)(They're like my own personal bodyguards…. yay…)(they dry off the laptop.)

Anyways, onto the story.

**BANJO-KAZOOIE – TALES OF THE DEAD**

(An epic tale of our two great adventurers)

Chapter 4 – Go to the Underworld

"So… you want to get to the underworld right?"

"Yes."

"Well, first of all, no one can go there unless they're dead."

"Isn't that obvious…" muttered Jewel. Sarcasm ran through the family.

"Well, I could kill you and then you could go there…" his katana pops out of nowhere again.

"Hmm… How 'bout not…" said Jewel.

"Well, in order to go there alive, you need great willpower and lots of strength." Samuel explained. "I can train you, but it may take a while."

"Charge 'em Sammy!"

Squeaky hammer appears out of nowhere and hits Flame. SQUEAK!

"Oww…" Flame whined.

"Anyways. Shall we start?"

"Okay." Banjo and Jewel followed Samuel out into the backyard.

And thus, the harsh training of the master shaman began.

Underworld 

Kazooie was bored. She had to do something. Fortunately, there was an Underworld's Best tournament approaching. Kazooie spent most of her day training by running the entire underworld. One lap as any more would take two or more days. She apparently was the only one doing this type of training. All the other brutes were punching stuffing filled bags and showing off their muscles.

When she wasn't running, she was sharpening up her target practice. She held the current record for shooting down all of the targets. A month later, the tournament began.

"OKAY PEOPLES! THE BATTLES ARE ABOUT TO BEGIN!" A short devil shouted into a mike. "ALL THE CONTESTANTS GIT YER BUTTS INTO THE PREPARATIONS ROOM!"

Thousands upon thousands of contestants piled into the gigantic hall.

"Everyone has been assigned an opponent. When the battle before yours ends, you and your opponent have five minutes to warm up and start the battle. The only rule is that you shall put on a good show for the ahem citizens."

Kazooie saw that she was in the 2498th battle. She sat down and watched. It was quite interesting. The strong ones were obviously winning and the weak ones were getting pummeled or thrown into the wall. By the time it was time for Kazooie's battle, there were various body prints and blood on the walls.

"Battle number 2498… BEGIN!"

Kazooie walked into the giant arena. She looked at her opponent. A slightly familiar devil. Not much of a challenge…

"This is payback for throwing that statue on me!"

Now she knew where she had seen him. He was at the reception to the Underworld.

"Hmph… this should be easy."

"GGGRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Shouted the devil as gigantic muscles bulged everywhere. It's eyes became bloodshot and spittle fell from its mouth…eww…

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea…" Kazooie thought.

The devil attacked.

Monk Isle 

Training was hard and most importantly, almost pointless. He was doing housework for crying out loud! Every day, he would get up at seven and make breakfast and then he and Jewel would sweep the house. Every time he got pissed off at a task, he would think about how he was going to get Kazooie back. Finally, after a couple weeks, Samuel approached Banjo and Jewel.

"Well done, you've both passed my first test. Both of you have shown amazing willpower. Most ran away out of frustration after the first week."

"Why did we have to clean the house?"

"Because it's boring and my house needed cleaning anyways. How many spiders did you find?"

"14,565. Man, you are a slob! This place was so filthy before we cleaned it up…" Jewel grumbled.

"Whatever. Okay. Here is my training." Samuel pointed at the peak of a tall, snow-capped mountain. "Every week, you must run up there, sit down, meditate for two hours and then run around for ten hours. Keep repeating this until a week has past. Then you can come back down to rest and eat."

"That's not so hard."

"That," Samuel said. "Is three hundred miles above ground level."

Jewel gaped. "WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CLIMB THAT!"

"You can always give up…"

"Nu-uh," Banjo said. "We've come all this way…we're not giving up."

"Suit yourself…"

The next morning, Banjo arose and stretched. He and Jewel had a long climb ahead. They trekked up the mountain. It became increasingly harder to keep going as the air grew thinner and thinner.

"This…is…impossible!" gasped Jewel.

"I…can…see…the…top!"

They reached the top gasping for breath.

"There!…Now…we…run

"You're… crazy!…" Jewel panted. "That's…worse…than…climbing…this…mountain!"

They started to jog.

Underworld 

The devil sped towards her with incredible speed.

"Okay. A little unexpected…but too obvious." She sidestepped with grace.

"BLEARGH!" Roared the monstrous devil and charged again.

"This is worse than fighting Grunty! All his attacks are the same." She commented as she sidestepped and pecked the devil.

The devil stopped and stood rigid.

"Huh…"

"ROOOAAAARR! GWAAAAHHH!"

The psychotic monster charged up a fireball and hurled it at the bird. She spat an ice egg directly into the heart of the flames. It all erupted into a heavy mist. The crowd cheered.

"That's it…" Kazooie thought.

She launched herself at the devil. She was only running at a quarter her ability, but to the crowd and the devil's poor eyesight, she didn't have to try hard to make it look like she disappeared.

She appeared behind him. She spat a fire egg. The devil was ablaze. She spat an ice egg. The devil was frozen in a half-crouched position in an attempt to charge. The flames were frozen too. This all looks pretty cool. The fire frozen in a huge chunk of ice… Finally, she spat three more ice eggs, solidifying the mass and set ten grenade eggs around the base of it. Within seconds, the arena was filled with chunks of ice with bits of the devil in each. The crowd cheered crazily. She was declared the winner and walked off stage.

She had won her first battle. She finally found something to do. She sat back down to enjoy the rest of the show. A couple battles later Grunty walked onto stage.

"This ought to be interesting." Kazooie thought as she watched the battle begin.

"EAT THIS!" Grunty cackled as she threw spell after homing spell at the unfortunate opponent.

This poor guy just happened to be a person named Jeff… (no offence Jeff…) The whole arena exploded into smoke as the challenger was blasted backwards. Medics came and took him away.

After the first round was over, the second round began. The challengers defeated each other, this time taking longer as only the strongest survived. However, there were a couple of quick battles…

Top o' the Mountain… 

Banjo collapsed wheezing and started to meditate.

"I can't take any more of this!" Jewel gasped as she sat down too.

"One more day," mumbled Banjo.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I shall now leave you there! Next chapter will good. I can see it now… fua ha haa… grins evilly… yes…yes… HA HA HAAAA! Runs around like crazy. Trips over a rock and fall on face.

"OWWWW!"

Crowd: ARE YOU OKAY!

"Yeah…I'm okay…"

Anyways, now you can wait and give me reviews! PLEASE! THEY ARE MY FUEL FOR WRITING MORE! IF NOT…GASP!…I MIGHT DIE! AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN DO YOU!

Crowd: NOOOO!

See. If you don't review, they will find you… heh heh heh…


	6. Atticus the Slayer

Disclaimer: I don't have to and you can't make me! Runs off. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! I turn the corner and…

Crowd: Where are you going!

Me: eep… umm… nowhere…(goes back to laptop)

Anywho… I don't own any characters except for Jewel, Samuel, and Atticus. Who is Atticus you may ask? You find out soon enough… heh heh heh…MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!

Doctor comes in.

"Here are your daily non-crazy pills…"

"Do I have to take them…"

"Yes unless you enjoy being a psycho…"

"Oh. If you put it that way…'

ONTO THE STORY!

"Hey! You must take your pills!"

"I don't care and I don't want to! Crowd!"

They drag him away. I'm not mental or anything…I just thought the pill part would be interesting… Onto the story…

Readers thoughts: (tell me if this was what you thought via review) Yeeah…riiiight…

**BANJO-KAZOOIE – TALES OF THE DEAD**

(An epic tale of our two great adventurers)

Chapter 5 – Atticus the Slayer

Underworld

Kazooie refilled her egg meters after a particularly nasty battle with an ogre the size of a one-story home. They were on round 23,453.

"Battle Number 24,908,375,494,824,353…BEGIN!" yelled the tired devil.

"Hello." A tall man stood at the opposite side of the arena.

"DIE!" Grunty threw a spell at the calm stranger.

"Hey. You shouldn't do that. We haven't even introduced ourselves yet." He said behind Grunty.

"Wha!" She whirled around and cast another spell.

"Let's try this again. I am Atticus. And you are?" He was behind her again.

"The last person you'll ever meet!" Grunty spun and this time she hit cold steel.

"Fair enough…" Atticus said brandishing a large katana. This weapon was similar to the one in Bleach ®, anime, except it was wider, thicker, and, most of all, sharper.

His eyes turned from dark gray to a blood red. He was instantly behind her again. He lashed out, not with the edge but with the flat of the blade. As she turned, he disappeared, reappeared, and whacked Grunty again. This continued for a long time. Grunty was getting ticked off, Atticus seemed to be enjoying this, Kazooie was watching in awe, and the rest of the crowd was in confusion.

"What happened?"

"Where is he!"

"What's happening?"

"Who stole my burger!"

"It's my burger buddy!"

"I paid for it!"

"Well, it's mine now!"

"GIVE ME MY BURGER!"

"NO!" (eats burger)

"NNNNOOOOOOOOO! DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!" (throws guy into the ceiling of the cavern)

The crowd was getting rowdy…especially the friends of the burger buyer and the burger thief.

"GRAH! Where is he!" Grunty panted as she was battered back and forth by nearly invisible enemies.

Atticus appeared beside Kazooie.

"WHA!" she exclaimed.

"Make this more interesting for me. Tell her where I am."

"Huh? Okay."

He vanished again.

"Grunty! On your left!"

"HUH! LIKE I'D LISTEN TO Y…" she was whacked from the left.

"Behind you!"

Grunty whirled and caught Atticus in his chest. He flew backwards and slammed against the wall.

"Ugh…" He got up slowly… and vanished.

"Grunty! On your right!"

"Stop helping me! I can do it mys…" once again, she was whacked. "THAT'S IT! EXPLOSION!"

She and the whole arena exploded. Of course, Atticus was above her already and was on his way down. A resounding crack shattered the air as Atticus stabbed downwards, straight through her stomach. He lifted her up and catapulted her into the wall causing a splattering sound. The crowd was silent. Yes, even the burger people…

"YYYAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!" They cheered.

"What the hell!" Kazooie stared at the cheering crowd.

"ATTICUS IS THE WINNER!" the short devil exclaimed as he held up Atticus's arm.

He jerked away, walked away, sat down next to Kazooie, and began to clean his katana.

"That was amazing!" Kazooie exclaimed.

"It was nothing…"

"Nothing! That was incredible! If I could do that I wouldn't be here!"

Atticus stopped cleaning. He looked at her. His eyes had resumed their usual gray-brown color. His gaze contained both sadness and disdain.

"It was because of this 'talent' that I am here in the first place."

Kazooie looked inquiringly at him. Another battle had begun.

"I am a mercenary. My assistance is not cheap and yet it's a living. I would take any job assigned to me. One day, a man came and said that he needed assistance in the mines. I went in and searched around. I had traveled many kilometers underground when I found a dead man. He had apparently been trapped here and had died. That's when the employer sent the whole mountain crumbling down on me. With my speed, I managed to get out…barely. But when I got out, he was waiting with a hundred or so men and said he was here to kill me. I fought, but in the end, I died from all the bullets. I managed to kill almost all his men before I died. I never did kill him and I never will…"

Kazooie stayed silent. A body hit the wall as another person won.

"How come your family didn't notice?"

"Well, almost all my family is dead. The only one alive is Samuel and he lives on some island and trains stupid skeletons… I don't think he even knows I'm dead. For all he knows, I'm still somewhere killing people."

"Who's Samuel?"

"My brother."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

GASP! Guess what! NEW PLOT UNFOLDS! THE PLOT THICKENS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Suddenly, the doctor jumps on me and gives me a calm shot!

Doctor: Take your medicine!

Me: I told you! I'm not crazy so your shot didn't work! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Doctor: Grrr… DIE! (jumps at me)

Crowd: (all take out shotguns and sniper rifles and shoot the doctor)

Me: Heh heh… no more crazy medicine for me… YESS! (dances around for a while)

Crowd: GET WORKING!

Okay… READ AND REVIEW! PLEEEEEAAASSSSEEEEE!


	7. Bonus Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Well, I'm partway through Chapter 6 but I can't think of anything… Please send ideas… In the meantime, here's another **BONUS CHAPTER!** ta daa!

BONUS CHAPTER 2 

One day, Banjo and Kazooie were sitting in the living room… bored out of their minds.

"Let's play a game…" Banjo offered.

"Okay, what?" Kazooie inquired.

"Cards?" Banjo picked up a deck off the shelf.

"Sure, how 'bout poker?"

"Kazooie, this is a…"

"Family game… I know I know… but we aren't in a game, are we? We're in a fanfic!"

"Which reminds me…Why are we sitting here anyway?" Banjo sat back down.

"Well, the fool of an author can't think of anything to write about at the moment."

"Yes I can, I'm doing fine, thank you very much!" Ragnarok appears for no apparent reason.

"What the hell are you doing here! Get back to work!" Kazooie stands up and pecks me…owie…

"NO! You can't make me!"

"CROWD!"

"Hey! They're my crowd! Not yours!"

"Well, we want you to get moving!"

"OKAY! okay! FINE!" Disappears.

"Dismissed."

"Yes, milady…"

"Kazooie…" Banjo asked when she sat down again. "Why are you in control of the crowd?"

"Because I can."

Banjo shrugged and dealt the cards.

Hours Later…

"ROYAL FLUSH! I WIN AGAIN!"

"Kazooie, let's do something else… this is boring…"

"Let's play Banjo Kazooie."

"But… aren't we here right now?"

"Just shut up and play. If you try to think about it, your brain would explode."

After going through every game they owned and all the card games they could think of, including 52 card pick up, they gave up.

"I know." Kazooie said. "Let's go pester the author until he finishes the story!"

Later…

"AAAHHHHH! GO AWAY!"

There another stupid random bonus story. Stay tuned for the next chapter.


	8. Spirits of Evil

Disclaimer: I own Jewel, Samuel, and Atticus. Whee… so boring…do I have to do this every time? Anyways. I will tell you something here so if you are reading this, give yourself a cookie. Banjo and Jewel keep training and the battle below keeps on going as well. (It's a very big battle…trillions of contestants…the works…)

Crowd: WHO CARES!

Me: I DO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Crowd: WELL WE DON'T!

Me: MEH! WHO CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK!

Crowd: WHAT WAS THAT!

Me: eep…uh oh… Nothing…um…uh… ONTO THE STORY!

Crowd: We're not through with you yet!

Me: Well, the story's started.

Crowd: Where

Me: After the next line…

Crowd: Oh…

**BANJO-KAZOOIE – TALES OF THE DEAD**

(An epic tale of our two great adventurers)

Chapter 5 – Spirits of Evil

Okay. You're all probably wondering what shot Jewel down. I'm wondering that and if you aren't, start wondering!

Grunty's Tower

They watched from above the battle. A witch was fighting a bear and a bird. She was losing. Pathetic. They chuckled silently.

"KAZOOIE!" the bear ran over to the limp form of the bird.

The witch cackled and walked over. Bad move they thought. The bear turned around and leapt at the witch. To put it gently, he tore her to pieces. The bear wiped his bloodied paws and picked up his friend. He walked away. Now was the time to act. They zoomed into the torn body and mended it with their powers. The spirit of the witch would be gone and the body would be free for the taking. Gruntilda stood up.

Jackal Inc.

Vince sat in his executive chair and watched a screen. It depicted his latest employees, a pair of body-taking ghouls. These two were a handy bunch, as they could possess any dead body. He chuckled silently as the torn body was healed and stood up.

"Good work." He said over a mike.

Vince had benefited greatly from his "Hunt the Hunter" project. He had managed to kill the world's deadliest assassin with the help of only a hundred men. The mountain too, but that didn't count.

Disguised as a software company, Vince was now the president of a huge crime organization. They had been the second highest for a long time. These organizations were basically hitmen squads. They would get paid to carry out an assassination or something else. For decades, Jackal Inc. had always been bested by the one man hit team. Atticus. No matter what their efforts, he would always kill their men and then vanish before another second had passed.

"Carry out the plans."

Monk Island

"GAH! WE'RE DONE!"

A couple months had passed since they started their training. They had climbed the stupid mountain over a hundred times. Eventually, he had told them to go in a spiral up the mountain. Banjo and Jewel walked down back to the manor.

"Good job. I think you'll find it easy in the underworld now…"

"How so! You haven't taught us a thing!"

"See, your body adapts to the thin air on the mountain top. Thus, you can run more down here at normal air pressure."

Banjo pondered this for a while. It made sense.

"Thank you. Now, how do we get there?"

"There's a secret chamber south of here. It's guarded by some of my disciples. I will come with you to tell them that you can go in."

"I wanna come too!"

"Flame, you stay here and guard the house. I should be back in a while."

Later…

"Greetings master," two skull-headed creatures with staves bowed.

"I see how Mumbo was taught by Samuel…"

"These two are on a mission. They are to bring back **ONE** person only."

"Yes master. Is it your brother?"

"What?"

"Your brother. Are you…"

"Why would he be there?"

"He was sent there last year!"

"WHY WASN'T I TOLD!"

Banjo and Jewel stood in silent shock. They had never seen Samuel in true anger before.

"Change it. We're bringing back two people."

"You're coming!

"Yes. I have to ask him how he died."

The Gates to the Underworld creaked open.

"I'm coming Kazooie…" Banjo murmered.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Yes this was a short chapter… DEAL WITH IT! The next chapter will be longer. THE PLOT THICKENS! FUA HA HAAA!

Crowd: (throws tomatoes at author) START WRITING!

Me: ACK! Yuk! Ow! ANYWAYS… **READ AND REVIEW**!


	9. Attack on the Underworld

Disclaimer: um… 

Crowd: …

Me: …Line?

Crowd: …Title

Me: Oh yeah…um… I don't know how many people noticed, but the chapter before says chapter 5 spirits of evil… it's supposed to say chapter 6… I'm too lazy to change it…on with the story

Crowd: WHAT!

**BANJO-KAZOOIE – TALES OF THE DEAD**

(An epic tale of our two great adventurers)

Chapter 7 – Attack on the Underworld

"The pressure's changing." Banjo commented.

"So?"

"Are we getting close?"

Suddenly, two armed devils jumped out.

"Turn back or we will attack!"

"Does that answer your question?" Jewel asked sarcastically.

"Out of my way."

A giant scythe appeared out of nowhere. Samuel swung and the two devils both fell in two pieces.

"I'll keep this." Samuel said and leaned the scythe against his shoulder.

They continued for some time. They could hear a dull rumble.

"Is that your stomach?" Jewel asked apprehensively.

"Nope." Banjo said. "Wh…"

A giant stadium appeared out of nowhere and the crowd booed disapprovingly.

"Guh oh…" Banjo muttered

"WHAT HAVE WE HERE!" A voice boomed. "WELL! WHOEVER CAN DEFEAT AN INTRUDER ONE ON ONE WILL WIN A PRIZE! READY? GOO!"

All the contestants and some of the audience poured into the stadium and started to form a line. The lined circled the outsides of the arena ten times, but still left a large area in the middle for the battle. Separators appeared to separate the massive line and prevent anyone from fighting or cutting. The fastest were at the front of the line. Among these were Kazooie and Atticus.

"What are they doing here!" Kazooie asked Atticus.

"I don't know."

"Let's go to them!"

"But there are people in front of us.

Kazooie grinned devilishly. She spat several grenade eggs into the ling in front at different heights. They exploded causing many satisfying cries of surprise and pain.

"I'll take the rest." Atticus rushed forward and started hacking people out of the way.

They burst through into the middle where already several contestants were laying.

"Kazooie!"

"Banjo!"

"Kazooie!"

"SIS!"

"Atticus."

Atticus stared at his brother and nodded in greeting. Then he grinned.

"ALRIGHT! Let's get out of here!" Samuel shouted.

They rushed back in the line and started hacking at all that were in the way.

"You!"

Banjo turned and stared at Gruntilda.

"You…" He growled.

"You can't get me here! Ha ha." Gruntilda laughed.

Indeed, she was in another line. The clear separators separated Banjo from Gruntilda.

"We'll see about that." He punched the clear wall and it shattered leaving Gruntilda wide open for attack.

His other paw swung around and slashed off her head with one swipe.

"Aw, hell…" She mumbled as she watched her body stumble around for the head.

You can't die again. They burst through the end of the line in a couple of hours.

"There's the exit!" Jewel shouted as she ferociously kicked a devil that was attempting at the prize.

"Hurry!" Kazooie shouted at Banjo.

Even at the speed they were going at, he was still the slowest. Heh…

"You cannot exit the Underworld." The voice boomed out.

A huge, menacing archdevil dropped in front of them. Red flames engulfed his body as he laughed.

"You'll never escape from here! I am master here! I…uh oh…" He muttered as he saw that all five intruders were gone.

"What an idiot." Kazooie said as they rushed out of the tunnel.

"Oh, crap! He's following us!" Samuel shouted. "Close the seal!"

"Yes, master." The two shamans cast the spell.

The master of the Underworld crashed into red blasts of electricity as the doorway was closed.

"HEY! That's not FAIR!" He pounded on the force field.

After a while he lumbered off and went back to the Underworld.

"We did it!" Jewel cheered.

"Welcome back, Kaz." Banjo hugged Kazooie tightly.

"So, Atticus, why didn't you tell me you died? I know you could've done it."

"I didn't feel like it. It was fun down there."

Samuel burst out laughing.

"They have this competition down there."

"Wow. I want to try that some day."

"Now that I'm here, there's someone I want to see."

"Who?"

"That man that killed me."

"Oh." Samuel knew what this meant.

"I also want to see who's in the tower now." Banjo said.

"Yeah." Jewel agreed. "I saw that witch down there. How can she be up here too?"

"That's a good question. Maybe we'll find out when we get there."

"Well, I'm gonna follow my brother to find his killer." Samuel said.

"Sure. One thing though. Kazooie and Atticus are still spirits huh?"

"Yes. You should find her body and she'll return to it."

"Well, let's first pay Mumbo a visit. I don't think he's gotten rid of the body yet."

"Farewell then." Samuel said as they set sail in one direction.

"Bye! Thanks for everything!" Jewel said.

The two groups set off, leaving the small island behind.

back on the mainland…

The Hag 1 attacked the building in Jinjo Village. The tiny inhabitants ran screaming from their homes. The two spirits sniggered as they forced the decrepit body of Grunty to move the digger closer and closer to the palace.

"AHHH!" The Jinjo king ran screaming as his palace was turned into dust from the digger's drill.

Mumbo looked out at the chaos.

"Where bear and bird when Mumbo need them?"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Well? How was it!

Crowd: It sucked! Not enough violence!

Well, it is rated pg-13 for a reason. I can't have too much.

Crowd: Who cares about the stupid rating!

People who created the Ratings: DIE!

(All out war breaks out between the two forces.)

AHHH! READ AND REV …ACK!


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